By: Mindy Kaling
Below, I’ve outlined what I believe are the rights and privileges
of any best friend.
I CAN BORROW ALL YOUR CLOTHES
anything in your closet, no matter how fancy, is co-owned by me,
your best friend. i can borrow it for as long as i want. if i get something
on it or lose it, i should make all good faith attempts to get
it cleaned or buy you a new one, but i don’t need to do that, and you
still have to love me. if i ruin something of yours and don’t replace
it, you’re allowed to talk shit about me to our other friends for a
calendar year. That’s it. Then you have to get over it. One stipulation
to borrowing your clothes is that you have to have worn the item at
least once before i borrow it. i’m not a monster.
WE SLEEP IN THE SAME BED
if we’re on a trip or if our boyfriends are away, and there’s a bed bigger
than a twin, we’re partnering up. it is super weird for us to not
share a bed. How else will we talk until we fall asleep?
I MUST BE 100% HONEST ABOUT HOW YOU LOOK, BUT GENTLE
Your boyfriend is never going to tell you that your skirt is too tight
and riding up too high on you. in fact, you shouldn’t have even
asked him, poor guy. He wants to have sex with you no matter how
pudgy you are. i am the only person besides your mom who has the
right (and responsibility) of telling you that. i should never be overly
harsh when something doesn’t look good on you, because i know
you are fragile about this and so am i. i will employ the gentle, vague
expression, “i’m not crazy about that on you,” which should mean
to you: “Holy shit, take that off, that looks terrible.” i owe it to you
to give feedback like a cattle prod: painful but quick.
I CAN DITCH YOU, WITHIN REASON
i can ditch you to hang out with a guy, but only if that possibility
has been discussed and getting-ride-home practicalities have been
worked out prior to the event. in return, i need to talk about you a
lot with that guy so he knows how much i love you.
I WILL TAKE CARE OF YOUR KID IF YOU DIE
i can’t even write about this, it’s too sad. But yes, i will do that. and
you will have one awesome little kid who hears endless stories about
how amazing and beautiful and perfect you were. incidentally, your
kid will grow up loving indian food.
I WILL NURSE YOU BACK TO HEALTH
if you are crippled with pain because of a UTI, i need to haul ass to
CVs to get you some medicine, fast. i should also try to pick up a
fashion magazine and candy that you like, because distracting you
from your pain is part of nursing you back to health as well.
WE WILL TRADE BEING SOCIAL ACTIVITIES CHAIR FOR OUR OUTINGS
On trips together, i promise to man up and be the person who drives
the rental car sometimes, or uses my credit card and have people pay
me back later. someone needs to check on Yelp to see what the good
brunch place is. neither of us gets to be the princess all the time, i
I WILL KEEP YOUR FAVOURITE FEMININE HYGIENE PRODUCTS AT MY HOUSE
even though no one uses maxi-pads anymore, like you do, weirdo, i
will keep a box at my house for when you come over.
SAME WITH YOUR CONTACT LENS SOLUTION
i can’t believe you won’t get lasik already. i know you read someone
went blind from it, but that was like twenty years ago. not getting
lasik at this point is like being that girl in 2006 who didn’t have a
I WILL TRY TO LIKE YOUR BOYFRIEND FIVE TIMES
This is a fair number of times to hang out with your boyfriend and
WHEN I TAKE A SHOWER AT YOUR PLACE, I WON’T DROP THE TOWEL ON THE FLOOR
Your home isn’t a hotel. i forget sometimes because you make it so
comfortable for me.
IF YOU’RE DEPRESSED, I WILL BE THERE FOR YOU
as everyone knows, depressed people are some of the most boring
people in the world. i know this because when i was depressed, people
fled. except my best friends.
i will be there for you during your horrible breakup, and you can
tell me a hundred times the same sad stories about how you thought
he was going to be the one. i will be there for you to tell your long
revenge fantasies to, and also to Facebook stalk whoever you want. i
know i will hate it and find you really tedious, but i promise i won’t
I WILL HATE AND RE-LIKE PEOPLE FOR YOU
But don’t get mad if i can’t keep track. robby? Don’t we hate him?
no, we love him. Okay, okay. sorry.
IT IS OKAY TO TAKE ME FOR GRANTED
i know when you fall in love with someone you will completely forget
about me. That hurts my feelings, but it is okay. Please try to
remember to text me, if you can, if you know i have something going
on in my life, like a work promotion or something.
NO TWO PEOPLE ARE BETTER THAN US
We fucking rock. no one can beat us.